American Football for the MMO Gamer

Not too long ago Syp was complaining about having to write about American football in the story he was working on. He feigned complete ignorance of the sport and suckered some of us gullible people into believing it! It was quite hilarious but it did give me an idea for a silly article. Why not take a shot at explaining American football in MMO terms so we can all be on the same page? My assumption is that I’ll find strict disagreement with my peers but that is half the fun, right?

As it would be very difficult to compare an entire team to a single group or raid, I thought I would look at it strictly from the view of the offense. For those of you who are not familiar with “the offense” they are the raiding members of a team. They try to go out and get loot for everyone by scoring points against the other team! This would probably work a lot better as a PvP metaphor but I am going to forgo that for hilarity!

The Quarterback

A quarterback is not unlike a guild leader. They’re the guys who relay instructions to everyone else and generally facilitate everything that happens. Quarterbacks can generally be any class as long as they have a keen sense of direction, enough charisma to ensure the trust of their team, and the ability to attract pop singers to their side. They’re all a bit different and favor different styles of getting the job done. Some will rely heavily on ranged DPS while others will look to their melee companions. There is never more than one quarterback in the game, though, and that fact just further reinforces that the raid leader is in charge!

The Center

The average center on a team will fill the role of main tank. It is the center’s job to ensure the safety of the whole raid once he has “engaged” the target. He engages the target by snapping the ball to the quarterback (and sometimes other folks) and then blocking the defenders. You want the biggest players possible to fill in as your center. Generally an ogre is your best bet. In a pinch you can use barbarians and the like but under no circumstances should a gnome be a center. One of the qualifications of the job is being larger than the ball.

Guards and Tackles

Guards and tackles represent the off tanks of the team and help the center protect the raid. Guards are the tanks that will take over should the center go down and are positioned on his right and left. Tackles are the off tanks that pick up adds that try to get past the main tanks and into the DPS. They’re positioned on the outside of the guards. The tackles, guards and center all make up the offensive line.

Running Backs

Running backs make up the melee DPS of the team and are tasked with running the ball up the field. They plow forwards as best they can once the quarterback tosses or hands the ball to them and do great damage over an extended period. Most are fairly resilient but they are not as tough as the offensive line. Halfbacks, a type of running back, are generally the most damaging but also take the least damage. The fullback, the other type, can be occasionally used as a tank in a pinch to ensure the safety of the more damaging halfback.

Wide Receivers

Wide receivers make up the ranged DPS of the team and are quite similar to many of the mage classes you would find in MMORPGs. They’re squishy, do a lot of burst damage, and will frequently pull agro. Some of them even come equipped with the ego that is renowned among certain members of the ranged DPS community. Wide receivers run out from the line and catch balls thrown to them by their quarterback. They get much of the glory and sometimes end up being quite the embarrassment of the team. Many are always about getting the ball and touchdowns.

Tight Ends

Tight ends are the various support and hybrid classes that fill certain niches in a raid. They can block the defense, create a hole for the ball carrier, or even catch a pass from the quarterback. They’re also one of the easiest positions to use inappropriately, much like they are in MMOs. Some teams use them to great effect while others barely use them as anything more than filling a slot on the line. A great tight end is worth his weight in fat loot, though!

An Unlikely Conclusion

With any luck you are now prepared to pretend to understand the offensive squad of a football team. Try testing your knowledge with your sister’s far larger and jock-like boyfriend. Just remember, the max raid size is 11. Anything more and you get a penalty!

Please keep the drive alive and participate in the 2009 MMO blogging alliance charity drive! Child’s Play saw over $450,000 donated in the first week! This just shows that every little bit helps!